Unemployed
I am no longer employed starting Monday. I have a lot of mixed emotions yet feel completely emotionally drained by what I have just experienced. While I know that God has a plan for me, I can’t help but wonder if I screwed it all up somehow.
It started the day after Labor Day. There were a lot of jobs on my plate and while I was feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed, I was handling the workload. But after being snipped at by two sales guys for making two small mistakes, my confidence began to waiver and suddenly I began to feel like I couldn’t do anything right. Fighting back the tears, I tried to concentrate and be more careful. My boss pulled me aside and asked me what the source of my stress was and although I was honest and forthright, I was told that the sales people are sticklers about being perfect and not having any errors or mistakes.
Reading between the lines, I was told that I needed to get it together and learn to deal with the sales team.
Since that day, I was on edge. I tried to keep up and not make even the tiniest mistake and I continued to get sniped at. For instance, I was almost done with a project and I just had to get the client to sign off. I called the client first thing in the morning and was told by the receptionist that the guy was off for the day. I communicated this to the sales guy who emailed me back and copied my boss about how I should have known that the guy had the day off. How was I to do that? If I had telepathy, don’t you think I’d be doing some other job than have you yell at me every five minutes?
Days progressively got worse. I began to have anxiety attacks to the point I thought I would pass out. My heart would race even if I was sitting still and not feeling any stress at all. I would come home and cry because I was so terrified of going to work. I dug out my anti-anxiety medication (something my doctor prescribed months ago but never took because I didn’t think I really needed them).
Then the day came when one of my coworkers had to take a week off. The work load only got worse and my medication wasn’t kicking in yet. Finally, I reached my breaking point and announced to my boss that I was quitting and that I would stay on board until they found someone else. I was trying to be mature and professional about the whole ordeal. I emailed our HR person and explained that I needed to quit.
By Friday, I was regretting my decision. In part, because the medication seemed to finally be kicking in and I began to realize that I am not a quitter. I don’t quit because things get too hard or because I think that no one likes me. I don’t quit without having a job waiting in the wings… the only exception being TV when my health was the factor in the decision.
On Monday, I retracted my resignation. It took a lot of guts to do it but I talked myself into doing it… to fight for that dream that I once held dear. But it was too little, too late. This afternoon, I was told that I would no longer be employed there effective Monday morning. I don’t know how I am to work there two more days knowing that I am no longer welcome there.
I’m crushed. I had ways dreamed of working with this company and although I know they have a reputation in this community for treating their employees poorly, I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t care if the benefits were lousy or that if you didn’t fit the mold life there would be difficult. I wanted it to work but I failed.
When am I going to be successful? When am I going to start accepting myself for who I am and forgetting what others think of me? I’m tired of being mediocre and being unhappy most of the time.
